Monday, April 13, 2009

Meat Truck

A few weeks back I performed an autopsy on my deceased car to rescue my personal effects. It had taken me a while to find a batch of time for sorting out what to keep and what to chuck but Saturday afternoon I found myself with a few hours free (before the Jeff and Greg cleaning bonanza) and decided to move some stuff to Black Lighting.

I had just dropped some materials into the trunk and was placing some cd's in the center console when I heard a vehicle approaching. I shut my car door, turning back towards the house when I spied a small catering truck with a large picture of a steak plastered to the side. Seeing me the driver of the truck pulled to an abrupt stop and I was eye to eye with a man in a white, dingy catering outfit.

Mean Man # 1: We just came from (unintelligible) restaurant down the road.

I had been expecting a question, I assumed they were lost asking for directions. I had no answer to this so I nodded.

Meat Man #1: (Mumbling) prime rib and steak?

I figured this was a restaurant related question so I shook my head no. The man in the dirty white outfit looked confused.

Meat Man #1: (Suspicious) You DON'T like prime rib and steak?

In retrospect I should have replied "No, I don't. I'm vegan. Good day" but the way he asked "Hey MORON you don't like prime rib and steak?" brought out my defensive side so I shrugged with a "Well yeah..."

That was all the answer they needed. The driver pulled the car over and they both hopped out.

Meat Man#1 held out his hand and introduced himself, Meat Man #2 nodded at me. Throughout this odd little encounter he would never say a word. Meat Man #1 gestured towards the truck and opened the back (I stood several feet away for fear of them clubbing me and throwing me inside) and began throwing boxes of meat out onto the road. Meat Man #1 lines the boxes up on the sidewalk and opens them all so I can see the various cuts of beef (from hamburger to fillet mignon). I keep trying to say "No, I'm not interested" but he keeps cutting me off, offering to drop the price. While Meat Man# 1 tries desperately to haggle with me Meat Man# 2 wanders down the sidewalk, just looking at houses.

I tell him I can't afford any of this so he pulls out a pamphlet to show the other things they sell. This is when I observe that his left hand has been terribly injured. He wears a black cast and he can't seem to move his fingers, everything he does is one handed and the mangled hand remains 100% stationary the entire time we talk. As he tries to show off the pamplet his partner returns and leans down to hold one of the meat boxes. He seems as if he could care less and proceeds to spit chewing tobacco onto the front yard on his right. As Meat Man# 1 tries repeatedly to entice me Meat Man#2 continues spitting onto this well maintained lawn.

I thank the pitchman for his time but assure him I have no funds for this and return to my house. In all honesty they might have just been two harmless salesmen but really, who the hell sells meat out of the back of a truck to people they happen upon on the sidewalk?

Just a wonderfully bizarre episode from Saturday.

1 comment:

Sara said...

You should have had a meat party.

Just sayin